ohmigawsh what if wegetnoone?

Wow, the Celtics and Lakers are in the finals.

Nail-biting theater in the making, but I am a Mavs fan who doesn’t care about teams on the east or west coast, and who doesn’t want to see Kobe win another ring or Kevin fucking Assclown Garnett get another championship.

via i50.tinypic.com

So, what am I supposed to do in this period between playoffs, and thrilling summer league action? Well, I could take up a hobby like fashioning macaroni figures of Matt Carroll, but two years in a row of doing that might be a little tedious. I could look up Dirk Nowitzki’s address and see if he could give me directions on how to get back to the freeway that I just exited, but I’m not a geek for Dirk like some people are. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about.

I guess, since I’ve clearly exhausted all of my options, I could think about the worst case scenario of this upcoming free agency period, where the Mavs become worse than this year, and fight for the eighth seed along with the Rockets. Whatever happened to those guys? Remember when T-Mac and Yao were gonna get them a ‘ship? I do, kinda.

Anyways, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the Mavs free agency "plan." Okay, so I’m not going to pretend like I know what the hell the plan is for this organization, nor do I want to for my what-if scenario to play out. I didn’t know anything about Rodrigue Beaubois last year during the draft, and during the course of this year I have concluded, semi-confidently, that he’s good. I want more of the same this year. We all want the Mavs to make a huge difference in the free agency market with the chips they have available, but being prepared for the worst is probably the best bet for this team. That’s why I thought, hey, why not ramble for 600 words, or so, about the team turning into a bottom feeder after ten straight playoff appearances? It seems like a possibility if the team puts all of their eggs in LeBaron’s basket or that guy who has Dirk’s ring in Miami.

So what would this team look like if the worst happened? This is all my opinion. I did not go to a psychic nor do I claim to be Donnie Nelson’s masseuse. Realizing that the team is going nowhere with whatever coach is in charge, Mark Cuban, within the next month or two, will decide that Gene Hackman is a better head coach than everyone currently in the league because he wins, figuratively and in life, with four white players. (Figurative winning counts, and moral victories are what this team needs since losing the one chance they had at a championship.) Following that rationale, Cubes will trade off every one of his black players including Caron Butler, Jason Kidd, and Rawle Marshall for the cap room. Literally.

That leaves us with JJ running the point, and Matt "Gimme-40-minutes-per-game-and-I-will-rock-your-fucking-face-off" Carroll at the off guard. The obvious trade for Kris Humphries comes next because, you know, he’s dreamy, and he looks like he belongs on Dawson’s Creek or whatever the kids are watching these days. Jersey Shore? (More like Jersey BORE!) That one’s for you, Bruce. Respekt. So, McHumphries would roll out at the three for us, and you know he’ll develop that Eddie Najera three point shot which will spread the floor for our new power forward, Kevin Love, whom we traded for and in exchange, the T-Wolves will receive Tractor Traylor’s expiring contract. It’s a fair trade, trust me. The last move would be obvious, as Shawn Bradley will come out of retirement and sign a lifetime contract in exchange for another wife. Get it? It’s a Mormon joke. They’re good sports.

BUCKETS’ DYSTOPIAN MAVERICKS LINEUP

PG – JJ (Barea, like you didn’t know)

SG – He who just impregnated you with his pinky.

SF – McDreamy

PF – Kevin "I should be in a porno with a name like this" Love

C – Shawn "I could trip you from the other side of the court, nukka!" Bradley

Bench: That one white guy at the gym who is too aggressive, and who can’t dribble

Coaches: Gene Hackman and Reggie Theus