The Time I Watched Khloe and Lamar


This is a true story of something that happened to me the last time I was at a Mavs game. They showed Khloe Kardashian’s face on the Jumbotron. The crowd exploded. The middle-aged woman beside me asked who they were cheering. I said it was Khloe Kardashian. She asked me what Khloe Kardashian does.

I don’t think there are words to properly express whatever it is that she does. That’s no slight on her. If there were a brand of hustle that I could hustle that would pull in her cash, this is a hustle I would hustle. I just can’t describe it. Humans possibly can. Or, perhaps, it is in fact beyond human language. What do I know.

They Kardashiate. Practice Kardashism. All your Kardashians are...

So anyway, I saw it was on TV today, and I still you know, half think there’s something about this TV show that caused Lamar’s whatever-that-was in Dallas. Along with other stuff. Like his wife wasn’t too happy with not being in LA, nor the producers, nor the backers, nor, you know, whatever.

I saw the end of one episode and the whole of another one. In the end of the first episode, one of Khloe's friends movingly tells her that thanks to her advice, she has decided not to get a breast enlargement. "Your advice...it just like, nibbled on my brain," she said. "I'm fat," said Khloe, "I nibble on a lot of things." (I swear this line of dialogue happened. I'm only paraphrasing what the other girl said."

"Don't call my friend fat," the other girl said. "It's rude." (Seriously, she said that). (Super heartwarming, guys).

In the other one, as it happened, I somehow got the episode where Lamar gets traded from the Lakers. And first he gets traded from the Hornets, then that doesn’t go through, then he gets traded to the Mavericks—hey, you know all this. You were there. Remember Lamar Odom? That whole thing? You remember.

Lamar Odom?

Whatever.

Anyway, first of all: there’s no way that this episode actually happened this way, but my vague knowledge that reality TV exists and is watched by persons leads me to understand that reality TV is reality in a loose sense, so whatever. But it was pretty hilarious. Open: Lamar Odom talking to his agent. Saying he heard Mike Brown was an "Odom" guy so he’s sure he won’t be traded. Agent says "we’ll just be ready to go, either way." Talk with Khloe about how you can just show up and see your stuff isn’t in your locker any more. But he’s not going to get traded. Then "it might not even happen".

Whatever?

Here’s the thing. First of all: Khloe Kardashian seems lovely. I mean really, she seems caring and kind and I didn’t see one thing that made her seem like a drama queen or whatever the allegations gainst her might be on internet sites, I once again, don’t read.

And the other thing? So there was this scene at the end of the previous episode which I caught where they visited some army camp, and on the ride back, Lamar was pretty thoughtful. He said, he’d never really thought about how hard Vietnam was for his dad. He said for the first time in his life, he was thinking about how hard it must have been for his dad to deal with and that there were some reasons that his dad couldn’t be a father to him.

Then he called his dad, asking if he wanted to hang out, and his dad said he needed some money to buy a hooded sweatshirt.

Is there a point? There isn’t a point. Lamar had a job to do, and he didn’t do it, and the Mavericks plan this year depended on him, and they made that move rather than another move becaues of what they should have gotten, and they didn’t get it. Be as mad at him as you want. And for the love of god, don’t watch Khloe and Lamar. But.

Khloe was driving home, and Lamar called her, and he sounded crazy, but happy. He said, are you in LaLa land, meaning LA. She said you know I am, what’s going on. And he’s like guess where we’re going. And she’s like come on, Lamar. Suspense isn’t fun. I don’t have a smart phone or any technology that delivers news to me. I cannot know things until you tell me.

And he said, think of stars.

And she said what?

And he said, think of millions of them.

And she said what?

And he said, what was the last math class you ever took? When did Columbus arrive in America? Do you happen to know the capital of Kentucky? (no he didn’t). What is a Baker’s Dozen?

He said "The stars at night…are big and bright…"

It could have been good, guys. Even the show wasn’t bad. It wasn’t, and there’s something vaguely but legitimately criminal about it, because Lamar Odom made more in a game than I make in a year—by a lot—and I work as hard as I can.So, be mad. I don't care. I hope he cares a little bit. He wasted a lot of other people's money.

But I guess in the end, as Shawn Marion said, he was a teammate and it’s too bad it didn’t work out.

Also, do those other people like hanging out and eating snacks in Lamar’s house live there? Or what’s the deal with that.

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