Every Mock Draft Has the Mavs Drafting Kendall Marshall and I Will Burn This Sucker To The Ground

(The following is largely fake. There is fakeness in nearly every line of it, except where otherwise noted. This article has a lot in common with Pamela Anderson's breasts, including the fact that it was a lot more popular in the 80s, and that it has seen Tommy Lee naked).

More or less every mock draft I’ve seen of late has the Mavericks picking UNC’s Kendall Marshall with the 17th pick, as near as I can tell on the grounds that Kendall Marshall basically knows how to pass a basketball. This is, of course, the kind of unexamined idea that would make Socrates just immediately vomit.

Consumed by fear and anxiety, I made my way to Mavs’ headquarters to hash it out with them man to man. The following is my report.

'Dribble penetration is a sucker's game,' Coach Carlisle told this intrepid, and very sexy reporter. 'Everyone knows you score faster if you don't take the time to get close to the basket, and sometimes those shots are even worth more points, if they’re from sufficiently far away."

At UNC, Marshall made great strides from his first year, where he played barely 24.6 minutes a game, to his second where he earned 33 minutes a game. During that time he upped his scoring average to a whopping 8.1 points a game, and even drew two free throws per, meaning he was sometimes fouled while shooting MORE THAN ONCE in a game. Once at the line, he coolly swished over half, but considerably under three quarters of his well-earned freebies.

--->"At this next level, they have enough scorers in the NBA," said Marshall, who was second in the nation with 9.8 assists last season. "I'm not going to the NBA to average 20 points a game. I'm there to do what I do best, and that's make other guys better." <---This is a real, actual quote from Kendall Marshall

Donnie Nelson opened up at a press conference. Your debonair, talented reporter was there.


"Thank you. No, we're not worried that, since Kendall Marshall hasn't even mastered J-Kidd's three-point shot, the only thing that currently keeping Kidd’s defender from pulling out a lounge chair and drinking a margarita, it’s pretty unlikely that it’ll matter that Kendall Marshall is able to pass, since NBA level athletes will have even less reason to do anything but hedge on the pass. We’re also not worried that, obviously, defenders barely have to worry about fouling him if, on the odd occasion, they have to scramble to avoid what will no doubt be a painfully awkward attempt at an offensive play by Kendall, since he shoots free throws about five points better than Ian Mahimni and Brandan Wright.

"Good question," he continued, "No, we’re also not worried that even J-Kidd was averaging 17 points a game by his second season, and that if Kendall averages double digits for a month in his likely-to-be-short career it would be a major upset. No...Look, I'm going to be crystal clear here. What we're really looking for in this draft is a worse current Jason Kidd, without any of his experience, or his ability to rebound (2.6 a game for Kendall, in college), but, you know, without re-signing Jason Kidd. And then somehow maiming his brain such that he, too, doesn’t have twenty years of experience to draw upon to compensate for his declining skills. Which I guess in Kendall's case, we can't really call declining, since he's already there and like 20. Is there something about that's confusing?"

"I don't know why you guys care about this stuff anyway," he concluded. "It's not like any good team ever gets anybody useful with comparatively late picks in the draft. What? Who are Kawhi Leonard, DeJuan Blair, Tiago Splitter, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili?"

Thanks, everybody. Please stay tuned for the next article in this series: "The Mavericks Are Interested in a PF/C Who Has No Post Game but Range on His Jumper and I Yearn For the Sweet Embrace of Death

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