Warning: The following story is 100% false. Also, I love Brian Cardinal.
Jason Kidd has just wrapped up quite the offseason. As an executive, he came closer than 29 teams to signing Deron Williams, but that paled in comparison to his next feat---unlike the Dallas Mavericks, who are apparently blissful immortals free from the continual angst wrought on mankind by the passage of time, and the aging of the team's only hope, Kidd turned around and not only signed Carmelo Anthony, Amar'e Stoudemire, Iman Shumpert and Steve Novak, as well as, in all probability, Jeremy Lin, he even managed what most Mavs fans assumed was well beyond the realm of the possible--he went back in time and un-let Tyson Chandler go.
"Yeah, it was weird how the whole world stopped existing for the calendar year, 2011-2012, but that’s how it goes," Kidd reportedly said.
When asked about the Knicks talent level, as opposed to the Mavericks, he first asked the reporter if he could possibly be serious, then whether he was "shitting him", then, finally, enumerated the fact that not only would the Knicks presumably have a fine PG the Mavs let go, the DPOY, whom the Mavs let go, a mid-career superstar whom the Mavs will never again be able to get, for any reason, a young defensive star with offensive upside in Iman Shumpert, and some supporting pieces, they would also have another piece the Mavs are now missing, namely, Kidd himself. "It'll be sort of like a reunion," he said.
"I know Stoudemire might not have what he once had," he continued, "But first, if anyone can get him the looks he wants to recover his form, it’s me, and second, once I saw that somebody traded for Joe Johnson’s giant vomiting manatee of a contract and it made that team better, II had to change my preconceptions of what was and was not possible to trade. That's what people do. They change their mind when confronted by evidence that they were wrong."
Kidd appeared to think for a minute, then said "Perhaps Mark Cuban isn't a person."
When asked why he had changed his mind from a few months ago, when he had said he would "go to war" with Dirk any day, and expressed optimism about the future of Dirk, another star, and himself, he reportedly said, "because some day I’m going to die," apparently in reference to Cuban’s belief that somehow or another every team with cap space will die in fire, and every team willing to make stupid deals and overpay will have done so, and there will be some free agent who’s also a capologist and everything will work out.
"I still have fondness for the Mavericks, and I look forward to the day when they find all the appropriately priced superstars they want, presumably from the planet Neptune, or otherwise brewed in a lab."
"To hell with it," he concluded. "What really changed my mind is when I came up to Mark after the Nash thing and said, hey, you’re going to get me a guy I can back up, maybe teach a little, right? And he beckoned me close, looked at me with that crazy look in his eyes and said, ‘Jason, I’m going to do something way better. I’m going to sign dead people."
"It was a pretty weird moment. Maybe someone should check on him?"
Kidd was asked a final question, about the possibility of the Mavs signing Andrew Bynum or Chris Paul next season, but he apparently couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer. Between gasps witnesses claim to have heard him say something about "Deron Williams, at least, had mentioned Dallas by name," and "The Mavericks are sure going to be enticing after a playoff sweep and a playoff miss, aren’t they?" and, "On second thought, maybe Bynum IS crazy enough to do it."
Kidd then high-fived sharp-shooter Steve Novak (9 pts per game on 47% 3pt shooting last year), whom the Mavericks had jettisoned in favor of Brian Cardinal(1 pts per game, 20% 3pt shooting), as Novak walked by.