Fan Fiction Friday: Gazelle-Like Grace

USA TODAY Sports

Today's FFF comes from my brother, who posts on these blogs as @Mtobo. Mark really wanted you guys to remember, and think about, that Chris Kaman coast to coast layup from last year. You remember the one, don't you? It's this one:

Kamanloooooool2_medium

Why did he do it? What was he thinking? Now, at last, the story can be told.

The ball bounced off the backboard and rolled slowly off the rim. It felt like forever, as bodies were flying around and muscle was pounding against muscle. Chris stared, mouth agape, directly upward. The 6'2 guard he had allowed to get between him had mistimed his jump, not anticipating that the ball would take so long to get off the rim. Chris continued staring, mouth agape. A bigger man, nearly Chris's size, dove from across the basket to tip the ball back at the rim, as Chris stared, mouth agape. It hit the side of the rim and made its way directly to Chris. Chris, mouth agape, long stream of drool running down his chin, saw his opportunity. He crouched and jumped as high as he possibly could. With the extra 1 inch off the ground, Chris secured the rebound. He turned up the court.

The small rabbit was saying something hyperactively and gesturing to himself with his furry paws. The deer was also screaming something. The boar rumbled down the court, raising his hand. "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND DEER," Chris yelled in frustration. "Looks like it's up to me," thought Chris. He dribbled once and stepped forward. He dribbled again. A loud groan emanated from the stands. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" whinnied the big horned sheep on the sideline. "It's 5 on 3," thought Chris, "this is my time."

Chris took slow, lumbering steps up the court, bouncing the ball awkwardly and slowly. The large cat ("Leopard? Jaguar? I can't tell!") dove at the ball near midcourt, missing 3 feet ahead of the slow-moving Kaman. The rabbit was bouncing up and down in anger in front of Chris, but confident in the knowledge that he was an insanely talented offensive big man, not to mention skilled hunter, Chris pushed forward.

The moose stepped forward to block his path. "I know how to handle this," thought Chris. The deer screeched from the corner. "I'VE GOT THIS, DEER!!!" Kaman yelled, to soothe the jumpy animal. Chris turned back to the moose. "Bbtbtbthtbhtbhewbewbbhewbwebew" He said. The moose paused.

"Bbwebhrhgbbrehebewbwehbhewbewhbewwooowoohoo" Chris said. The moose looked around. "BBEWBEWBEWHWEOBHWEOBHWOBOOOBHOOO" Chris yelled. The moose ran off to find its mate.


The basket was right there. Chris jumped, leaned forward, and released the ball. It floated awkwardly and forcefully up toward the rim. Chris stared, mouth agape. The ball slammed off the backboard and slammed off the front of the rim, popping straight up in the air. Chris stared, mouth agape. It bounced high in the air and it seemed like the world had stopped, except for the pheasant flying in from nowhere to snag the ball as it bounced several times directly in front of Chris's feet.

"Well," thought Chris, "you'll get them next time." He watched from the offensive end as the other team scored effortlessly on his teammates. "Every hunter misses his target now and then."

Chris woke up in a cold sweat. It was that dream again. He breathed a sigh of relief. It was just a dream. "Tomorrow," Chris thought, "I'll prove it. I would never confuse a leopard and a jaguar."

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