Fan Fiction Friday: A Trip to the Zoo

Steve Dykes-USA TODAY Sports

"It was a really good idea to go to the zoo, guys"

"Yeah, I don't know why we didn't do this before. Just so hard to get everybody together".

"And this ice cream of the future is AMAZING."

"Doesn't it seem like it should be the ice cream of the present by now, or something?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it's been around for like 20 years. Like, how far in the future were they talking? Even 'slightly retro ice cream of the near past' would probably be better".

"I don't follow".

The gang stepped up to the giraffe pen where a giraffe, fortuitously, was eating hay right near the fence. Dirk looked up and found himself shockingly arrested. Here, was a tall, beautiful creature. A creature he understood.

The giraffe stood up, its hide glistening in the morning light, the large liquid eye turned towards them filled with what seemed to Dirk to be limitless compassion. The giraffe took a step and Dirk audibly gasped.

"What's going on big man?" Marion asked.

"Guys I think I...I think I love this giraffe."

The gang burst into giggles.

"Not like that! Like...like this giraffe is my brother. This giraffe and I, we're connected."

"Okay big guy, you went for the joke, it didn't land, it's cool..."

"No, you don't understand! All my life..." Dirk felt his own eyes welling with tears "I've been tall, and beautiful, and graceful, but too tall. Too different. No one ever..." Dirk put his hand on the fence. "Brother, I see you," he said. The giraffe complacently munched hay.

"This is a really weird moment," Devin said.

"Actually, I don't know, there may be something to this," Vince said. "Spirit animals are a proud American tradition and Dirk as a giraffe makes a lot of sense."

"What would I be, Vince?" DeJuan asked.

"Rhino," Vince said, without hesitation.

Jae chuckled. "What would coach be?"

"Cardboard cutout of Jim Carrey".

"Hey do y'all remember that scene in Ace Ventura 2? When Ace came OUT of that rhino?" Devin said. Dejuan's eyes widened in horror. Dirk, oblivious, continued to stare t the giraffe eating a leaf.

"Dude, everyone remembers Ace Ventura 2. One of the few sequels that was way better than the original," Brandan said.

"Wonder what Monta's  spirit animal would be," Vince said, half to himself.

They were interrupted, suddenly, by a yell, and rushed towards the source of it which turned out to be the lion enclosure.

"Oh," Jose said, "it's just Monta."

"That's it!" Vince said. "Lions! Like, a really self-confident lion. But actually kind of small. Like an adolescent lion"

"How did you get down there, Monta? Also, why? That's an actual lion who will probably maul you to death."

"THIS LION LOVES MONTA, MAN, HE'D NEVER DO THAT"

"Monta, that's a girl lion," Jose said

"HOW DO YOU KNOW, MAN? I'D HATE TO THINK THAT THIS LION LIED TO ME."

"It doesn't have a....listen, it's not important, just get out of there."

"WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME LION I LOVE YOU. OH HEY, STAY BACK THERE LION. YOU DON'T NEED TO COME CLOSER, DOING THAT WHOLE STALKY THING. IT'S COOL, LION. MONTA LOVES YOU".

Dirk sighed. "I bet nobody's ever seen a DNP-Mauled by Lion" before.

"MONTA IS A TRENDSETTER, MAN. AAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

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