Fan Fiction Friday: The Lion Queen

Ralph Orlowski

Who will save Pride Rock?

On the day that Malaika Nowitzki was born, his her father, King Dirk Nowitzki held his infant child up over Pride Rock, so that his her future subjects could see him her and he she them. As she grew up, Malaika learned many things about the fragile ecosystem of the Dallas Mavericks and his her place in it. But then, tragedy struck.

Driven by jealousy of his her father, his her wicked uncle Mike James played a devious trick, somehow causing Dirk Nowitzki to get knee surgery (I know it was you, Mike).  The confused Malaika is easily convinced that her father's misfortune are her fault, because she is a child and he she ran away. Struggling in the harsh outdoors because seriously, she's a child, Malaika happened upon two beasts of the savannah who would become his her closest friends: a meerkat named Timon and a warthog named Monta Ellis. Meanwhile, in the Pride Lands, The Mavericks fall increasingly below .500.

For some time, Malaika, Timon and Monta Ellis frolic in the jungle, eating beetles and living happy, carefree lives. But one day, a stranger enters the jungle, someone from Malaika's past: a PG/SG named Devin Harris. At first, Malaika attempts to fight Devin Harris to have fun, because she is a child, but they quickly recognize each other and renew their great friendship. Devin Harris tells Malaika what's going on in the Pride Lands, and that surgery is completely unrelated to anything she could have said or done, and convinces him her to return, to face down Mike James and save the Pride Lands! On the way, they encounter the wise baboon Rick Carlisle who stares at them impassively for literally two hours.

In the end, in a fierce confrontation, Malaika defeates Mike James at being a competent point guard with help from his her friends Timon and Monta Ellis. While Malaika faces down James, Timon and Monta Ellis defeat the hyenas by having it all and balling so hard. In the end, Malaika is named king queen of Pride Rock, and also grounded, because she ran away and wandered into the African Savannah, and then took a meerkat home, apparently.

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