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The Mavericks as Characters from Mythology

Yesterday, the NBA announced the cancellation of training camp and exhibition games. We figured it was going to happen.  So what do we now?

I don’t know, compare Mavericks players to characters out of various mythologies, I guess.


Dirk: On the court, Dirk is probably more Zeus than Thor. The lightning bolt, sudden and inevitable doesn’t come with the youthful arrogance it used to, but these days, more of a lazy omnipotence. For a few quarters he’ll make a few executive decision.  You never forget he’s there, but he doesn't always feel the need to make his power felt. Zeus, believe it or not, only averaged 23 points per game this year. But come the fourth quarter, he’s all:

"Hang me a golden chain from heaven, and lay hold of it all of you, gods and goddesses together—tug as you will, you will not bring Jove the supreme counselor from heaven to Earth; but were I to pull at it myself I should draw you up with earth and sea into the bargain."

You feel me?

Jason Kidd: I went back and forth on J-Kidd. Ultimately I decided on Vishnu, because of his Jñāna, described by Wikipedia as the power to know all being simultaneously, an attribute Kidd demonstrates on every fast break, and every alley-oop.

Shawn Marion: For the Mavs’ best perimeter defender I chose the hecatonchires, the hundred-handed ones, sons of Zeus. They’re not god anymore, but you want them on your side. Despite the fact that Uranus threw them into Tartarus (Toronto) because their game was too ugly, Zeus brought them back because he knew he’d need them if he wanted to defeat the titans. And so it was.

Jason Terry: With the Jet, I thought Hermes would be an obvious one because of the winged sandals, but in actuality there probably is NOT a player whose nickname connotates speed who gets to the basket so seldom (these days). Instead I chose Loki, the Norse trickster god. Half the time, you’re like, dang it Loki, no one on Earth has caused more free throws for the other team at the halftime buzzer than you. Dang it, Loki, why didn’t you cover Mario Chalmers on the most important play of the game. 

But when you need to fight the giants, you gotta have Loki on your side.

Tyson Chandler: Going back to Norse mythology, there’s no question our man T-Chan is Heimdall, the guardian of the gate. Most recently brought to America’s attention in the movie "Thor", Heimdall is eternally vigilant, his eyes can see thousands of miles. And if you want to get in to Asgard, you gotta go through Heimdall first.

DeShawn: There is little question in my mind that DeShawn is Hercules. Equally adept with the bow and the club, Herc is often seen talking some serious trash to the monsters of the mythological world, but also keeps having to do errands for people because he spends the other half of the time doing some dumb things.  This unique combination of strengths and insanity says "DeShawn" to me an inimitably loud way. The Argonauts accidentally left Heracles on an island, last year, but things went much more smoothly with him back.

Peja Stojakovic: For Peja, I’m going with Apollo the archer for the obvious reasons. As at Troy, often on the wrong side, but still respected and feared at home in Athens. Also linked to pestilence, which he seemed to bring this year to the Los Angeles Lakers

Roddy B: For now, we’re going to go with CuChulainn, the Irish hero. Roddy showed up, killed the king’s dog, beat everybody at handball and stole a chariot. Then he was quiet for a year or two, but in the end he’ll go down as one of Ireland’s greatest heroes.

We hope.

JJ Barea: Ajax son of Oileus. In the Iliad there’s Ajax son of Telamon, and he’s a huge son of a biscuit who goes around crushing people, but there’s also Ajax son of Oileus who’s a little dude with the heart of a lion, and by far the fastest Achaean (‘cept for Achilles, but that barely counts). He’s not generally thought of as one of the greatest heroes, but when he’s around it’s trouble for the other guys.

I think that’s probably good enough, right?