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Report: Dallas Mavericks Sign "A Basketball Player"

Note: The following story is false. The Dallas Mavericks have not signed a basketball player.

At a press conference announced earlier this afternoon, Rick Carlisle announced that the Mavericks had signed "this guy---he definitely plays.....Donnie ,is this right? He plays basketball."

Donnie nodded. "Has even played basketball before."

Rick continued, "I can confirm that this guy is a basketball player. In the loose sense of the term."

Rick then took a swig from a glass which could well have been water but, from the smell, was probably straight gin.

"We look forward to working with this guy, I don't remember his name, to develop him into a real force at whatever position it is that he plays." He looked quizzically at Donnie, who shrugged.

Reports confirm that the guy has dribbled basketballs, has grabbed the occasional rebound, and has made some shots.Somewhere.At some time.

"This signing," Cuban said, "is just one step on our path back to the championship. I know that we had our doubters. Some of you thought it would never happen. But we have officially signed...someone. And we couldn't be happier."

(P.S. Seriously guys, the Mavericks will eventually sign someone, we're pretty sure. And let's be honest--how hard could it be to better than last year's team, if we replace Terry's offensive production? And last year's team made the playoffs! And gave the Thunder the occasional tough time! The mood is going to turn in here, real soon. Just think of that new Air Force center we've got, right? You think guy's going to be afraid of a couple of elbows in the lane?)