Mavericks draft night, a parody: Part one

We're less than a month away from the NBA draft and rumors are flying. Who's going to trade down or up? Who's going No. 1 overall? And of course, the most pressing question around these parts: How will the Mavericks once again f*ck up a draft? Well, sweet readers, I have peered into my crystal ball and come up with a few scenarios that will unfold. Join me as we drift into the future, June 27, 2013 and look at how the NBA Draft could unfold for the Mavs (if they actually keep the 13th pick):

David Stern: With the 13th pick of the 2013 NBA Draft, the Dallas Mavericks select...Combo Guard Jenkins!

Stern looks around for a little bit and realizes that Mr. Jenkins isn't in attendance tonight. ESPN cuts away to Jenkins in his living room but only his family is there, celebrating. Jenkins stumbles out of the toilet, looking anxious. He looks at the camera and awkwardly smiles. Toilet paper hangs off his shoe.

Reece Davis: Ah! Some drama finally unfolds here in New York with Combo Guard Jenkins being selected by the Mavericks at No. 13 overall!

Jay Bilas: A really interesting pick here, guys. I had Jenkins ranked No. 100 overall on my top 100 board. Really expected him to be a mid to late second round pick. But it's obvious he impressed the Mavericks during his pre-draft workouts and interviews. It only takes one team to fall in love with a guy to pick him early.

Chris Broussard: Actually, sources close to the Mavericks have told me Dallas did not do any pre-draft interviews with Jenkins or attend any of his workouts. I'm trying to find out if he's gay though and rebelling against God.

An ESPN graphic flashes across the screen, showing Jenkins' background and measurements. He's a 6'3'' guard from [insert mid to low-tier BCS conference school here. The kind that isn't know for producing NBA players and finishes in either the middle or bottom half of a major conference almost every year. Let's go with Virginia]. He averaged 14.4 points, 5 rebounds and 3.2 assists per game. Bilas starts narrating some highlights.

Bilas: The first thing you need to know about Jenkins is this: the man is lightening-quick. He has a great first-step and is explosive when going toward the basket. He's an elite athlete with a great vertical and explosive leaping ability. He's very good at drawing contact. He lived at the free throw line and led the [insert BCS conference here, like the ACC] in free throws attempted and made. He's more of a scorer than anything and they way he does it is by getting into the paint and attacking with force. Reminds me of Russell Westbrook in this way. I'm not saying he's the next Westbrook but he's the next Westbrook.

Highlights show Jenkins blowing by defenders from schools like East Carolina State and dunking on players from Rhode Island School for the Deaf and Blind. Billas continues.

Bilas: He does have some knocks on his game. For one, this could be considered a reach. I think Dallas could have gotten a player like him later on in this draft. Hell, maybe even signed him as a free agent. It's a gamble for sure. Jenkins isn't much of a shooter -- he was 30 percent or less on shots outside the paint for his career. Never been higher than a 33 percent three-point shooter. His decision making needs some work. Never ran a lot of pick and rolls in college, his job was to isolate and score. Wasn't much of a real point guard and I'm not sure what role he'll play on an NBA team -- is he an off-guard or a point guard? That's to be decided. He's very turnover prone and has trouble making the right play once he gets into the paint, unless he's scoring. Defensively, he has all the tools to be a first-rate defender but he's a little too relaxed off the ball and prone to getting beat backdoor. Not good at getting around picks during pick and roll plays. Struggles defending any guards with considerable size. He lacks basketball I.Q. The basic things basketball players learn growing up as kids, shooting and passing, has seemed to pass him by. But that athleticism...

As Bilas says this, highlights are shown of Jenkins playing against teams like Duke, North Carolina, Florida State, Kansas, etc. Highlights feature Jenkins throwing the ball away underneath the basket, losing his man on defense during a fast break, turning the ball over on a pick and roll set and missing countless wide-open and pull-up jumpers.

Once Billas concludes, a graphic flashes across the screen, showing Jenkins' strengths and weaknesses. It follows:

STRENGTHS: Elite athlete, great leaper, explosive finisher, gets to the free throw line consistently.

WEAKNESSES: Shooting, passing, decision-making, off-ball defense, playing basketball.

Jeff Van Gundy: This may be a reach but this kid could play for me any day. He's a very tough and a physical player. Rick Carlisle will have no problems teaching this kid to play the game.

Off in the distance, Rick Carlisle smashes his glass of bourbon with his bare hands. He licks the blood off his fingers before he resumes throwing darts at a picture on the wall of Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson

ESPN cuts to the war room of the Mavericks: Cuban and Donnie are smiling and Dirk Nowitzki is weeping in the corner.