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NBA Free Agency: How much free stuff does it take to lure Dwight Howard to Dallas?

This isn't a new strategy, but the cities of Dallas and Houston are taking measures to try to bring Dwight Howard to Dallas to a drastic new height.

Free stuff is cool, yo.
Free stuff is cool, yo.

When it comes time to try to sway the number one free agent to their favorite basketball team, Dallas business owners don't mess around.

The initial story of Raising Cane's offering Dwight free chicken fingers for a year was a solid start, but it wasn't one that H-town would take standing down. Houston-based rapper Slim Thug sent several tweets Dwight's way, offering glowing recommendations of strippers surely thanks to plenty of first-hand experience -- not to mentioned that there are many "cheap ass cribs" in the area.

I guess the motto here is "don't poke the bear", because Dallas responded...hard. The Dallas-based publication Central Track is currently listing THIRTY-FOUR free offers from the DFW area (and that's not including the ever-important chicken fingers). Here's a few highlights:

Full List Of Donations To The Get-Dwight-Howard-On-The-Mavericks Cause To Date:

• A private, roped-off "Dwight Howard Only" section for Dwight and his guests (as noted with a permanent sign to be installed in the club) -- plus the creation of a to-be-determined signature drink named after Dwight -- at Uptown hotspot and noted Dirk Nowitzki hangout The Travis.

• A free, acoustic show from North Texas pop-punk stalwarts Bowling for Soup at Dwight's Dallas residence.

• A private suite for all shows at the Allen Event Center, plus free zamboni rides whenever their community ice rink is available.

• A free membership to Deep Ellum yoga studio Super Yoga Palace for Dwight's entire time as a Maverick.

• A guest feature on an upcoming track from favorite Dallas hip-hop sons, A.Dd+.

Um, yes please. Dwight Howard doing yoga? Dwight Howard featured on a hip-hop track? Dwight Howard riding a zamboni? All of these are things that Dwight Howard needs to do.

Oh, and did I mentioned this one?

• A Saturday morning radio show on CBS' The Indie-verse called "The Superman Hour with Superman Howard."

OH GOD THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Please, Dwight, do it for the children. Well, despite the impressive list presented by these Dallas residents, I have a few more things that might convince Dwight that north Texas is the place for him.

1) Free pancakes in his likeness

As a kid, was there anything better than devouring that huge pancake with a face made out of chocolate chips and whipped cream? Ignoring the cannibalistic aspect of that all, think about it. Dwight's still a kid at heart and could probably devour three pancakes featuring himself dunking in one sitting. How could you say no?

2) An entry into Mark Cuban's uniform contest to change the Mavs' uniforms into Superman costumes

Yeah! I've always thought Dirk would look majestic running the floor and spotting up for a transition three with a cape flowing off his back.

3) Free Dwight Howard mural in his new home

I don't know how much Dwight's into home decor, but I get the vibe he would really enjoy a painting of himself on a wall somewhere in his house. Maybe even painted onto a ceiling, a la the Sistine Chapel? If he signs with Dallas, I might do that.

4) The final two George R.R. Martin books, with the story ending with a dragon named "Hwight Doward" sweeping in from the North and annihilated all of humanity.

He'd like that.