clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

How to troll your Rockets-loving friend

New, comments

People, let me tell you about my best friend. He's a Rockets fan and I'll troll him to the end...of the series.

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

If you're anything like me (I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing), it means you have a number of friends who root for various teams from around the state of Texas. Yes, this means that someone you know, who came of age in the 1990s, refuses to be a Dallas Cowboys fan. I'm not sure why anyone would do this to themselves but such is the world we live in. This is especially true of the friends you made in college. They are an amalgam sports fans who didn't grow up in Dallas. You shouldn't feel sorry for them (bless their hearts) because everyone has their own stories and background.

The major cities in Texas are extremely competitive when it comes to bragging rights. They also don't particularly care for one another. Therefore, with the success of the three Texas NBA teams over the past 15 plus years, a healthy rivalry between fans has blossomed. This rivalry reaches a zenith when two of the teams meet in the playoffs. And this year there is a possibility that two rounds of the playoffs could feature an all Texas docket. Exciting stuff!

It stands to reason then that you, Mavs fan, are going to have to bring your A-game when it comes to trash talking and trolling in the playoffs. While you could resort to a profanity laced tirade directed at your Rockets fan friend like a YouTube dolt, there's no need to stoop to the lowest common denominator. Do you think your Rockets fan friend is going to stoop to that level? Certainly not, especially when they have these words from the Trill OG Bun B floating around in their head: "Read a book you illiterate son of a bitch, step up your vocab."

The following is a list of talking points for you to use during the Mavericks Rockets series to help you gain the upper hand in the war of words that is sure to ensue. I will attempt to take the high road with the majority of these.

  • With Donatas Motiejunas out for the remainder of the season, the Rockets are going to throw a number of players on the floor in the power forward spot. Some of these players are quite good, which is annoying. However, they also have Joey Dorsey. Dorsey may be the worst free throw shooter of all time. Seriously. Pull up this Vine and put on the Benny Hill theme.

  • James Harden is sure to be a handful for the Mavs during the series. He's going to score at get to the line a lot. Yet, this season, he has made a concerted effort to play better defense. His numbers even support that. But it's not all smiles and rainbows for Harden defensively. Be sure to remind your friend of that when you see him playing lazy defense like this:

Harden Fail 1
OR THIS
Harden Fail 2
OR THIS
Harden Fail 3
OR THIS
Harden Fail 4

  • LOL! Hold on, let me catch my breath. Shane Larkin freezes Harden with a pass in that last .gif. Former Mav Shane Larkin...except he's playing for the Knicks! THE KNICKS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Knicks are so bad! Okay, okay... I think I've caught my breath. Wait. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Man those .gifs are funny. Alright, I'm good now. Moving on.
  • Dwight Howard missed a significant portion of the season with an injury. Now, the circumstances surrounding this injury are a little murky. Was he really hurt? I'm not a doctor so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt but you should ask your Rockets friend if he was actually just filming a series of Maury episodes. It's a legit question.
  • The Rockets won two championships in the '90s. Unfortunately, that's one more than the Mavs have won. Your friend will bring up this fact A LOT. Just remind them that Michael Jordan was out of the league playing baseball when Houston won it all and hand them a cardboard cutout of an asterisk. Those chips are like Barry Bonds' home run record.
  • Your friend is sure to remind you that Jason Terry is now on the Rockets. As is Corey Brewer, who is now one of your friend's favorite players. Be sure to remind your friend that the only championship experience on the Rockets comes from two former Mavericks and Trevor Ariza, who won with the Lakers. No one else on Houston's roster has a ring. And no, Harden and Howard going to Cici's after losing their respective Finals series does not constitute winning a ring.

Of course, the insults will not strictly be about basketball. They will inevitably shift to the cities themselves and all the stereotypes that accompany them. Lucky for you, Houston is an easy target.

  • Have you ever been to Houston? It was built on a swamp. A dirty, filthy swap that makes San Antonio's River Walk look like an oasis. It's a miracle that the city hasn't sunk into the Gulf of Mexico. It's only a matter of time at this point.
  • One of the reasons that Houston is bound to sink is the waist line of its citizens. Houston is recognized as the fattest city in the country. That's gross. However, it's not surprising when the city is so poorly laid out that people are forced to spend most of their lives in their cars. Dallas is the 25th fattest city. At least people are so vain in Dallas that they at least try to look good rather than giving up completely like Houstonians.
  • The Astros and the Texans.
  • Houstonians seem to think that vacationing in Aspen is the pinnacle of Colorado travel. It's a favorite destination of Dwight Howard. I guess no one told them that Aspen is basic. Dallasites know that Vail is the real luxe location. In fact, Dallasites love Vail so much that they bring the Dallas Symphony Orchestra with them when they head there during the summer. No, really. Now that's vacationing in style.

Hopefully these talking points will give you the upper hand as you watch the Mavericks take on the Rockets. There's always room for ad libbing as well. Remember, though, if things get a little too heated between you and your friend, just remind them that you both hate the Spurs the most. Everyone hates the Spurs, after all.