Sharknado, somehow, is a thing. No one knows why, no one knows how. I got tricked into watching the first two movies and regretted every minute of each of them.
Let's face it: The only way Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No! would be saved is if Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban put on a show for the ages, giving all of us hope that a ridiculous movie series would go from unsuccessful to marginally successful.
In the first 15 minutes of Sharknado 3, Cubes showed us two things: He's not too shabby of an actor, and he'd make one bad-ass president.
All you need to do is watch the first scene of this forsaken movie. You don't need to watch Frankie Muniz try and be relevant again, or watch David Hasslehoff do whatever the hell David Hasslehoff was doing. The only great thing about this movie was Cuban being the best imaginary POTUS we've ever watched, and it had nothing to do with his acting skills.
You couldn't take Cubes seriously, and he probably would want you to think that. I took notes and realized that this man is running the United States while on the brink of another ridiculous aerial shark attack. In my notes, I said, "Sharks come in at nine minutes, and Mark Cuban is president. What do I make of this?"
You can't make anything of it because you're too busy wondering to yourself, "Who the hell wrote the script for this movie?" After Cuban awards the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Fin Shepard (played by Ian Ziering), they meet up outside and Cuban says, "I used to be a shark. Now I'm looked upon as a beacon of hope."
Whoever is writing this deserves a cookie. And how did Cuban not say that without laughing? He cracked a sly grin afterwards, but nothing more. That's a shame.
Now, here come the sharks. This ridiculous shark-infested tornado is about to destroy Washington D.C. It turned the Capitol into rubble in a second flat. A shark fell from the sky and landed in Lincoln's lap. Even poor Bill Engvall got devoured by a shark that, somehow, flew from the air INSIDE THE BUNKER. Meanwhile, Cuban, his cabinet and Ziering are in a bunker deep in the bowels of the White House. Think about this for a second: The sharks found their way INSIDE THIS BUNKER. You know, the one that's supposed to keep Cubes and his posse safe.
Then, the line of the night. The people in the underground bunker are trying to concoct a plan to somehow save themselves. Mark Cuban, sawed-off shotgun and all, cocks the gun and says, "Nobody attacks my house! This time, it's personal." Are you kidding me? This was pure genius. And purely hysterical. Again, you could tell he tried not to laugh but he also tried to channel his inner Tony Montana, or at least we think that was the case. He also THREW A GRENADE INSIDE OF A SHARK'S MOUTH, then proceeded to yell, "This is for America, baby!"
Holy hell, this is gold and it's amazing and Cuban should probably win an Oscar for this.
And if you didn't think it could get any more wild, how about an Iwo Jima reference? Cuban, Vice President Ann Coulter, Ziering and Mark McGrath hold up a United States flag pole up and stab the shark with it? The pose was the exact same as the famous World War II photo. And thus, Cuban's scene of fame ended with Ziering saying "God Bless America" with a shark at the end of a flag pole.
Other than still trying to figure out what the hell I just watched for two hours, Cubes was overly dramatic and funny, all at the same time. His cinematic debut was pretty solid, so much so that I'll give it a solid B+. He would've gotten an 'A' if he rode on an actual shark tank and destroyed all the sharks in sight.
Hopefully this won't be the last time we see Cuban in a movie role.