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DeAndre Jordan is a Maverick. F--- yeah

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Dallas has finally reeled in their big fish. The war is over, we've won.

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Manager's note: I told Josh to "go for it" with this column the night DeAndre signed -- language, cursing and all. He didn't need to be told twice. If you're not down for an R-rated column, you might want to skip this. We have plenty of free agency coverage right here you'll enjoy!

★★★

I seriously had a first-draft story for this day and it was titled "Fuck you, Mavs." So yeah, maybe I'm not the most optimistic person there is.

It did look pretty dark during the past 48 hours. Seemingly 95 percent of the decent free agents signed with every team that wasn't the Mavs. Every fallback plan fell off the board. The worst was Tyson Chandler bolting to the Suns out of nowhere and then going to their meeting to recruit LaMarcus Aldridge.

That would have been the biggest kick to the goddamn nuts. The Mavs were about to let the best center in franchise history walk TWICE while they played with the peen for a couple days and then that best center in franchise history was going to convince the star free agent the Mavs have thirsted after for YEARS by saying "yo dawg you wanna play with a baller ass center?" THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING RUINED ME.

BUT it didn't happen. Wes Matthews signed before I fell asleep on Thursday night and then DeAndre Jordan agreed to join the Mavs. Will you look at fucking that. The Mavs got their big fish. THEY GOT THEIR BIG FISH.

PLAN POWDER. IT'S OVER. IT'S DONE. THE WAR IS OVER. Remember five years ago when plan powder really started with Erick Dampier and the "DUST CHIP." That led to Tyson, which led to a title, which led to Tyson going bye as the Mavs measured their dick with the rest of the NBA to see which star free agents would come over and fill up their luscious and curvy cap space.

It failed three straight years. Cubes didn't even bother showing up to the Deron Williams meeting (thank God for that; Cubes is smarter than all of us), Dwight Howard saw young studs James Harden and Chandler Parsons (stupid sexy Chandler) and Melo decided to take the money and chill in New York, which again, turned out okay.

I swear I thought the Mavs would be holding their wiener again. CUBAN THOUGHT IT TOO. In between flip cup games on Manhattan Beach he told the Ticket that if they had struck out on Plan A, they were gonna race hard to get a top seven pick so they could keep it from the Rondo trade. That's wild-ass shit considering Cuban has been more publicly averse to tanking than me trying to shoo a roach out of my kitchen. FUCK ROACHES.

So instead of watching Dirk old-man single tear his way through a tank season, the Mavs pretty much gave the middle finger to tanking and bridged the gap from Dirk to post-Dirk in one off-season. Wes Matthews is 28 (with maybe a busted tire but whatever), Chandler Parsons is 26, DeAndre Jordan will turn 27 soon. That's three dudes that won't be 30 for another 3-4 years. The last time the Mavs had a core group of three guys under 30 it was pretty fucking fun basketball.

I still can't believe it. I'm sitting in my apartment, alone, drunk and a wide-ass smile on my face. Sometime this winter we're going to see Chandler Parsons run a high screen and roll with DeAndre Jordan and Wes Matthews will be in the weakside corner with Dirk sitting at the wing. That's fucking beautiful.

Gonna bullet point the rest of my thoughts:

  • I love basketball Twitter because we're all deep down big time basketball nerds who like to get excited and go crazy over little random bullshit basketball minutiae ("OMG DID Y'ALL SEE CP3 MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH BLAKE BEFORE HE THREW THAT BEHIND THE BACK OOP SPLOOSH"). But sometimes we get really fucking dumb. I've read about people who think DeAndre's offense is going to tank without CP3 and while yeah, no shit, there's gonna be some drop off from Paul throwing Jordan passes to J.J. Barea -- let's not forget the trio of Jameer Nelson, Devin Harris and Barea at the point guard spot had the Mavs leading the league in alley-oops and dunks. Tyson Chandler and Brandan Wright were top five in field goal percentage and both were fucking brilliant in the pick and roll according to NBA.com/stats. Yeah, I think DeAndre will be fine. According to NBA.com/stats go fuck yourselves. I once threw a half-court alley oop to a teammate shorter than me in a high school game and it worked. It's not fucking rocket science when you have proper floor balance, which the Mavs will have. DeAndre will get his dunks and oops playing alongside the greatest floor-spacing power forward of all time.
  • Now DeAndre getting post ups to feature him more? That sounds like horseshit. I can't imagine Rick Carlisle saying with a straight face that he's gonna give Jordan some post touches. But drunk Cubes made it a point in his interview today that part of the Mavs presentation was making Jordan a centerpiece of the franchise. Now, Jordan can definitely have his imprint on the offense expanded just by running more pick and rolls through him instead of sharing time with Blake but I'm real hesitant to throwing him the ball down low. Cuban said they told DeAndre he can be the next Shaq. At least he's got the free throw game down! *ducks*
  • I have no idea how DeAndre vs. Tyson will fare on the defensive end. Jordan is a physical monster and by far the most dominant physical center in the league. No one can outrun, out jump or out muscle him. The problem with Jordan has been coachable things -- biting on pump fakes, swatting shots into the 20th row, overzealous help. With proper coaching I think Jordan can be better than Tyson and he's already such a physical monster that he'll still make his presence felt.
  • Dirk's gonna grab like four rebounds per game this year lol.
  • The best part about this move is while the Mavs will roughly be about as good as last year's team (with potential for being better depending on how Wes fares coming off that injury and how good Parsons really is now that he'll have the opportunities), this is all about the future. The Mavs have a solid young core, the best owner in the game and will have cap space next year. How about Mike Conley running point? Shit, someone from the Mavs camp has already said they expect to be players for Kevin Durant. KEVIN FUCKING DURANT. Sticking it to OKC and signing the best basketball player in the world other than LeBron will make me shit a goddamn child right out my ass. I will love that child and nurture it, for the sacrifice of being the parent of a shit-child will be more than made up for Durant/DeAndre/Parsons/Wes/Dark-Knight-Returns-Dirk taking over the world.