All the Dallas Mavericks want for Christmas is for Mark Cuban to run for President.
I know you're rolling your eyes right now but hear me out. A run for the White House is exactly what Cuban needs to do to breathe life back into his team. He won't have to sell it or put it in some kind of trust unless he wins, after all. Until then, his franchise only stands to benefit.
The Mavericks are currently festering in the league's basement. That can change in an instant if Cuban enters the 2020 fray. It will spur almost unthinkable outside investment in the franchise. People will be knocking down the door to get a piece of the Mavs in an attempt to gain influence. Major campaign donors will sit courtside with Cuban, discussing plutocratic neoliberal ideas while companies with the latest athletic, medical, and analytic technology suddenly become partners with the Mavs and their products begin proliferating the locker room and practice facility.
Beyond the confines of the Mavs’ buildings, players will be able to travel to practice and games in style thanks to Elon Musk. He will graciously build them their own Hyperloop network running under Dallas. No longer will they have to worry about dealing with a bunch of strangers who could be serial killers on their commutes ever again.
It doesn’t stop at technological investment, however. Foreign dignitaries will rent suites and strongly encourage their nation's best ballers to consider playing in Dallas. The Mavericks are well regarded globally as they’ve traditionally courted international players such as Dirk Nowitzki. The team also drafted Wang Zhizhi, the first Chinese player in the NBA, and Satnam Singh, the first Indian-born player. Now, just imagine the sway Dallas will have on international talent if Cuban runs for President. The legal hoops the Houston Rockets went through to get Yao Ming in 2002 will be a cakewalk.
These are just some of the potential outcomes the Mavericks can expect if Cuban runs for the highest office in the land. The team will catapult back to relevancy instantly as Cuban dominates the news cycle. In politics, it's all about facetime with the future leader of the free world and, as everyone knows, you have to pay to play.
It’s not like he isn’t thinking about running already. There are rumors about it regularly. Cuban dipped his toes in the political water in 2016 by endorsing Hillary Clinton. Now, he spars with the President on Twitter and makes the rounds on the cable networks. Before the home opener this season, the Mavericks showed a tribute video to the American flag. That was definitely focus test. And let’s not forget about him wearing number 46 in the celebrity all star game last season. Foreshadowing much?
Whether you like it or not, the Mavericks only stand to gain from Cuban running. So please Santa, won't you leave a future presidential campaign underneath Cuban's Christmas tree this year?
[Editor’s note: this piece is intended to be satire. We hope you enjoyed! And check out some of our sister SB Nation NBA sites who are running similar pieces today.]