Long time readers may remember the weird and wonderful summer of 2014, when the legendary Andy Tobolowsky wrote story after story on Fridays. They were all fictional tales of our bizarre and unflappable Dallas Mavericks. Today, he returns to the site with a gothic tale to ponder as we watch DFS continue to improve.
When they asked him how he’d managed it, Dorian Finney-Smith just smiled.
“Dorian,” they said. “How did you do it?”
“How did you become a decent offensive player?”
“I mean you were literally the worst offensive player in NBA history.”
“No one has ever been a worse offensive player.”
“Last year, you shot 29.9% from three on over three attempts per game.”
“That should be a crime.”
“In March of last year, you played over 23 minutes a game and shot under 33% from the floor and 25% from three.”
“I mean it was offensive.”
“I was offended, personally.”
“Like, that shouldn’t be allowed to happen.”
“There should have been a law. A constitutional amendment, even.”
“I could never even imagine that someone so inept at offense could sniff one minute of court time, for any reason, unless his defense was so good it literally subtracted points that were already on the scoreboard. AFTER the game.”
“Your defense is good, but it’s not that good.”
“I mean don’t be ridiculous.”
“What I’m trying to say is, the mere fact that anyone played you in a professional basketball game in 2017 despite the fact that it seemed pretty likely you had no idea where the offensive basket was was an affront to god himself.”
“Yet here you are, shooting over 45% from three, with an eighth of the season behind us.”
Dorian just smiled. Upstairs, beyond the bedroom, in a small attic room that nobody ever saw, there was a picture of him bricking a wide open three. And if you looked closely, you would see it – the ball moving ever so gently further off course.