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A drinking guide to the Mavericks’ tilt against the Thunder on NYE

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Should poor shooting performances be forgot and auld lang syne.

Oklahoma City Thunder v Dallas Mavericks Photo by Zach Beeker/NBAE via Getty Images

Start with a shot for good luck...

To good health! Get the night off to an auspicious start, and hope that Tim Hardaway Jr.’s tweaked hamstring that kept him from returning against the Lakers isn’t going to be an issue. Minus the 5-game stretch without Luka, this Dallas team has largely been blessed with good health. Knock on wood, toss a pinch of salt over your shoulder, and hope against hope that trend continues. Think about Porzingis curling 500 lb dumbbells in the off-season and not his crazy Bambi legs supporting a 7’3” human being. He’s played in 31 out of 32 games!

Spill your drink in celebration if...

Someone dunks on Nerlens Noel. No ill will there, it’s just fun to see. Sports is a great avenue to channel undefined and misdirected grievances. Boss making you come in early on the January 1st? Take that Nerlens Noel! You used to play here!

Dump your drink out and make a new one if...

Nerlens Noel dunks on someone. Sheepishly slip away and start looking through that cocktail recipe book you’ve never read for long enough that you’ll miss any replays. Realize you don’t have any of these fancy ingredients (what the hell is Lambrusco?) and then just make a gin and tonic like you’ve been doing this whole night anyway.

Take a shot when...

You remember this Kristaps Porzingis/unicorn/centaur mural. Something strong to try and wipe the image out of your mind’s eye. WHY IS THE HORN GREEN? Actually, take two shots.

Take a drink if...

Someone mentions that Luka Doncic is only 20 years old and not old enough to legally drink. Feel warm and fuzzy about the Mavericks’ two cornerstone pieces being under the age of 25. Envision ruling the Western Conference with an iron fist for the next decade.

Take two drinks to...

Play it cool so people at the party don’t think you’re weird for yelling at the TV when Chris Paul tries to get Seth Curry T’d up for some archaic, parliamentary procedure-based NBA rule, like his shoes aren’t properly laced through the NBAPA-approved number of eyelets. Hate-scroll through twitter and block anyone who ever suggested that Dallas should trade for him.

Take a drink if...

The broadcast shows a pre-taped player interview segment wherein each Maverick has to say what their new year’s resolution is. Revel in how anodyne Luka’s answer will likely be (“Play good basketball. Get better every day. Blah blah blah.” A boring interview answer is the mark of a true vet), and soak in Boban’s answer, which will surely be the best and played last for maximum comedic effect.

Chug anything German if...

Maxi Kleber and Dennis Schroder start trash talking in German. Schroder is listed as day-to-day, but he’s almost as likely to get in to it chirping from the bench as he is while playing on the floor.

Finish your drink when...

Luka sets a new record for point total in a Mavericks’ New Year’s Eve game. Additionally, poor one out for the guy he’ll have to pass to claim those hallowed honors: Josh Howard scored 28 points in a win over the Denver Nuggets on New Year’s Eve back in 2006. The top New Year’s Eve game scorers; a prestigious list featuring the likes of Harrison Barnes, Dennis Smith Jr, and many instances of Jason Terry. Luka has actually already cracked the top 10 New Year’s Eve game scorers in Mavs history with his 17 points in last year’s loss against, who would’ve guessed, The Oklahoma City Thunder.

Cry and go to bed if...

Someone mentions Dirk after you’re five and a half beers in. You’re over 30, a huge lightweight since you don’t drink every weekend anymore, and anything nostalgic of the early to mid aughts makes you think about childhood.

Happy New Year’s, Mavs fans!