Jimmy Butler chasing Dirk Nowitzki for most playoff clutch points of the last decade.

Clutch statistics in the NBA are defined as any stats collected in the last 5 minutes of a game in which the score is within 5 points. To get to the top of any list of Playoffs clutch stats, a player either has to play in several tight games, or play a large quantity of playoff games. In 2011 Dirk Nowitzki did both of those things. But as you can see, Jimmy Butler is moving up.

And on that note, I have a few words for Mr. Butler: Don't you f—-ing dare. You sonofabitch. You let Dirk Nowitzki keep this, or so help me. Don’t you try to take it from him. I LIKE you. I like your grit and your attitude and I like your weird affinity for country western stylings and music. But if you take this from my large, German father, you will forever be an enemy to me.

Don’t make me root for the Lakers, that is a nightmare. Rooting for the Heat is already NOT COOL, but your team is really fun! Let Jae Crowder go off tonight, dog! Try to get 22 assists or something. The only acceptable outcomes of Game 6 are: Lakers win—Jimmy Butler has fewer than 18 clutch points, or Heat win—Jimmy Butler has fewer than 18 clutch points. If the Heat win Game 6, we’ll reassess at that time.

Now, as I’m sure most of you can tell, I do not actually give a shit about this. But it is a fun opportunity to talk about Dirk scoring SIXTY SIX points in his 50 clutch minutes in the 2011 Playoffs. You know, 1.32 points per minute. 47.5 points per 36. A truly demented performance. Just gross. Here, enjoy the highlights to take the edge off your Sunday scaries.