What if basketball was played on ice?

So, this week is “What If?” week on Mavs Moneyball and elsewhere across the SB Nation nation. One of the potential writing topics that was handed down from the SB suits is as follows:

What if your sport was played on ice or on a field?

And this got me thinking: what WOULD happen if the NBA was played on ice?

WELL, it would be dangerous and bad, for starters. Lots of ACL tears. Lots of people getting Jeff Gilloolied. A cold, heavy, wet ball? Not on my watch, SB Nation, why would you do this to us?

What are the parameters of this challenge? I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION, SB NATION, I’M LOSING MY MIND. Do the players get to wear cold weather gear, or is Boban just going to be wearing shorts, a jersey, and some size 20s with METAL BLADES strapped to the bottom??

Will they have helmets and sticks? That seems like a totally different sport, SB Nation, but WHAT IF they did?

Playing basketball on ice effectively eliminates most dunking from the game, which feels boring and, if I’m being honest, a little racist.

Would this make the Chris Pauls and the J.J. Bareas the most important type of player in the game? Would Isaiah Thomas suddenly be an MVP candidate again? THIS SEEMS COUNTERINTUITIVE.

What does this mean for mascots? Is…is Gritty going to be every team’s mascot? Benny the Bull won’t stand for this, SB Nation, HE WON’T STAND FOR IT. Rocky the Mountain Lion is livid.

Photo by Kyle Ross/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

I don’t think I can even move forward with this hypothetical anymore. I’m too worked up; too scared. SB Nation I’m FURIOUS that you put me through this. I’ll send you an invoice from my therapist.

Don’t play basketball on ice. It would be bad.