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The new Mavs Man is bad

Almost as bad as the old Mavs Man

Dallas Mavericks

The Mavericks recently decided to put lipstick on a pig and re-brand Mavs Man. It didn’t help much. Look at this.

While I admire the idea because I’ve long feared and hated Mavs Man, this just ain’t it. He looks like a knock-off Power Ranger you’d find at Dollar Tree called Mega-Ranger. He’s wearing Ezekiel Elliott’s visor and thin plastic armor from Spirit Halloween that wouldn’t stop a number two pencil. What’s the point of having all that armor up top if below the waist he’s just wearing leggings and knee pads?

And despite the effort to make us forget, we all know what’s underneath this new façade. Unspeakable horror.

Dallas Mavericks Media Day Photo by Glenn James/NBAE via Getty Images

That’s not a smile. It’s a grimace of agony. This is an unholy man/basketball hybrid. He’s a creature out of a David Cronenberg movie come to life. His flesh has morphed into an orange bumpy leather from head-to-toe. Seams run along him, trapping all the grit and debris they encounter. His nerves are on fire, constantly splitting and tearing, then healing only to split and tear again. He’s tormented day and night, never given a moment’s rest. All that look upon him are tormented.

I know that I shall die at his hand one day. I will open the door to my bathroom and Mavs Man will be seated there. He will be naked and he will rise up smiling and gather me in his arms against his immense and terrible flesh and lock the door behind him.

Whoever next opens that door will look inside. Good God Almighty, they’ll say.

And they are dancing, the basketball court slamming under their sneakers as Champ fiddles, grinning hideously through his long snout. Towering over them all is Mavs Man and he is naked dancing, his orange feet lively and quick and now in double-time and bowing to Derek Harper and Mark Followill, huge and orange and hairless, like an enormous infant covered in basketball skin. He never sleeps, he says. He says he’ll never die. He bows to the broadcasters and sashays backwards and throws back his head and laughs deep in his throat and he is a great favorite, Mavs Man. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, Mavs Man. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

Anyway, Mavs Man sucks and I hate him.